More than ever, couples seem to be feeling the strain and stress of everyday life – jobs, bills, kids, pets, vacations, family time around the holidays. Making time every day to nurture our relationship with our partner can be a buffer against these stressful times and make a lasting impact for our relationship. How exactly does that work?
Drs. John and Julie Gottman are researchers who have been studying couples for over 40 years now. The work they have done is quite astounding – they can predict divorce with a 91% accuracy rate! And they do this by simply observing couples and identifying if couples are engaging in healthy ways or unhealthy ways, or, as they put it, are they functioning like the “masters of relationships” or the “disasters of relationships?” One of the things they have observed through their research with couples who have healthy, happy, long-lasting relationships is that they do small things often.
Smallthings often. What does this look like? Successful couples are turning toward one another and filling the “emotional bank account” with positive deposits. Here’s how it works: each interaction we have with our partner can yield three results: (1) we can TURN TOWARD one another and give one another kindness, love, and positive attention, (2) we can TURN AWAY from one another by ignoring, or (3) we can TURN AGAINST by responding to one another with harshness or contempt. Gottman calls this the “couple’s emotional bank account” in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” When we TURN TOWARD each other, we put a deposit into that account.
TURNING TOWARD is doing small things often. Here are some examples of how you can keep your emotional bank account full:
Give your partner unexpected words of affirmation, gifts, or kind gestures – write an encouraging note or text to your partner, surprise your partner with his/her favorite coffee or treat at work, or vacuum out your partner’s car
Spend intentional, quality 1:1 time together – go out on a date, or stay in for a date night at home
Create a new couple ritual – make homemade pizza together every Friday night, run a 5k together every year, or make a plan to visit every microbrewery in the state
Try a new hobby together – rent a kayak or snowshoes, try a new video game or board game together, check out that antique shop you pass everyday on the way to work, or go sky-diving
Try something new together – cook a new recipe together, visit somewhere neither of you have been, or pick a random town on the map and visit there
CHALLENGE: Do a “small thing” for your partner once per day. Be intentional and make this something extra that you don’t typically do.
Small stuff often makes a big difference. Depositing those positives in the “emotional bank account” adds up quickly over time and gives couples a soft place to fall back onto when conflict inevitably arises. Those “masters of relationships” that Gottman identified don’t have conflict-free relationships, they just have full emotional bank accounts so that they have some savings to dip into when conflict occurs.
So, today – and everyday – “small things often” is a Gottman motto that can help you with the health of your relationship and your emotional bank account.
To learn more about how to be a “master of your relationship” attend a Gottman Workshop! Check out the "workshop" tab of this website for more details!