My favorite definition of “encouragement” is: to inspire with confidence. Wow! What a concept. When we encourage others, we are saying to them: “I believe in you!” and then hope to spread that belief to them, so they feel confident in themselves as well.
In our relationships with our children encouragement can play a key role in growth as a person, as well as learning and mastering new skills. Think for a moment if you’ve ever potty trained a child. (And if you haven’t, just imagine!) We don’t give big boy or big girl underwear to a toddler and say, “There’s the potty! Go potty now in the potty and not in your pants.” That just wouldn’t work! Often we use a system of stickers or cheerios or prizes and lots of cheering, potty dances, and calls to friends or relatives to tell them about the huge accomplishment.
That is a beautiful example of how encouragement is used to teach mastery of a new skill. (And, of course, once the skill is mastered, we don’t need to give our encouragement to that task anymore. It would be pretty silly to wait outside of the bathroom when your 17 year old goes in and then throw confetti and do a potty dance when he walks out of the bathroom.)
Okay, so we get that we give praise and maybe even small rewards to kids for learning big behaviors, like going on the potty. But what’s the importance of this concept on a daily basis? Our brains are generally wired to remember negative stuff more frequently and at a greater intensity. Let’s say your boss tells you ten positive things you’re doing and one thing for you to improve upon. What are you probably going to focus on? If you’re like most people, it’s that one perceived negative comment. So how do we balance this for our kids?
Research shows that for every one negative comment, or correction, most people need five positives to balance it out. 5:1! Certainly as parents, there are times that we need to correct a negative behavior. And that means that we need to be looking for opportunities to praise and point out even more positive behaviors as well. Because when we encourage our children, we inspire confidence in them that they can continue to make positive choices, do the right thing, and continue to have mastery of the skill you are praising them for.
There are a few things we can do to make our encouragement of our children most effective. First, be specific with your encouragement. “Good job” (not specific) can be strengthened by saying “I like how you shared that toy with your brother!” (specific encouragement for specific behavior).
Secondly, encouraging our children to put effort into a task and to try again a different way if they are struggling is a way to communicate to them that you believe in them and that you believe that they can be a problem solver. We can give support and guidance as needed, but we also encourage them to try themselves so they feel empowered.
Finally, we want to be aware of negating our encouragement with criticism. For example, consider this: “Thanks for cleaning your room. I wish you would do that every time I ask you to.” Sure, we’ve got some encouragement in there – a thank you for cleaning the room. However, the second part is a jab that takes away from the first positive. As tempting as it might be, that second part zaps out the encouragement.
Consider this: What ways are you encouraging your children? Is it balanced with at least a 5:1 ratio? Think of some way that you can daily “inspire confidence” in your children.