To You Mamas ... it's been a while!

I’m sure you can relate: we only have so much time/energy/space/coffee/___(fill in the blank) and some things just get set aside. As a mom, wife, therapist, and business owner, that definitely happens to me and, specifically, to this blog! It’s been years since I posted and I’ve been gently encouraged to by my friends over at Fit4Mom, Takara and Stephanie! I’m going to be headed over to Fit4Mom in a few days now to do an “expert talk” and wanted to hop on here give you all an updated blog post!

This post is especially for Moms, and could probably be a whole series! There is so much that we do as moms, so many hats we wear, so many little tiny cucumbers to cut up and hope our kid will eat maybe just one piece, please??? I am marriage and family therapist AND a mom to three boys (ages 9, almost 8, and newly 4) AND a wife to my sweet husband. I work with so many moms who are also wearing the hat of being a wife too. When we look at the research of relationship satisfaction over the course of a lifetime, we see a pretty big dip in satisfaction at the phase of life where kids start to enter the family. One of my joys in this profession is to work with couples in that spot and help them navigate those waters. The benefits here are not just for the couple, but baby/toddler/kid also benefits from happier, calmer parents.

What are some keys to success here? Like a said, this could be a whole series, but a few of the key points that I want to emphasize come directly from over 50 years of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. As a therapist trained in this evidence-based relationship model, we know this stuff is based on solid research and used world-wide in a practical way. Not only do I have the honor of working with couples 1:1 on these interventions, but I also led Gottman Workshops for couples based on these ideas, method, and wisdom gained through research and experience.

So: a few key ideas…

#1. Work as a team, don’t compete: Keeping score and counting how many diapers you’ve changed or how many drop-offs and pick-ups you’ve done vs. your partner doesn’t win any prizes. It may make you contemptuous, bitter, and feeling over-worked or under-appreciated, though. While it is really important to divide things up, decide who is doing what when, or create a schedule, if we get caught up in keeping score, we can lose the sense of working as a team. Like most sports, there are times you’ve got the ball and there are times your team mate does and you’re taking a break or positioning yourself in a good spot to retrieve a pass from your partner and take the ball back. When we’re working as a team and having the mindset of working together, not against each other, we are going to feel supported, loved, and together.

Practical application: When things get tough, how can you and your partner support each other with kindness, humor, or fun? How can you keep perspective that this stuff is temporary and you’ve got each other’s back?

#2. Nurture your intimacy, connection, and fun: This is going to look a little different for most couples in the post-kid world than the pre-kid world, but it is just as important to connect, spend time, and have fun with each other as it was when you first started dating. Remember those first few dates? Most couples find themselves talking for hours, asking questions, delving into who each person is. While your favorite color or best childhood memory might not change over time, it’s always important to stay connected with each other in the here and now. What’s stressing you out? What are you looking forward to? Or, the hardest question: what do you want for dinner? Finding ways to intimately connect, whether is sex and physical intimacy, or the emotional intimacy you’re craving, it’s worth it to prioritize fun and connection with each other. We’re better parents when we’re nurturing all of the relationships that are important.

Practical application: Can you make a list of at-home/easy “date nights” you can your partner can have in that tiny window of time you have after kids go to bed and you drag yourself to bed? Maybe order a date night box subscription to spice it up or order a “scratch off date idea box” from Amazon so you don’t have to do all of the planning and thinking!

#3. Manage your conflict kindly: There is so much to say about managing conflict, but the two things I want to emphasize here are the power of giving each other the benefit of the doubt by approaching conflict and conversation in a more curious and less certain position. Thinking, “I wonder what they meant by that?” instead of “I can’t believe they thought xyz!” Approach one another with kindness and a softened start-up instead of going into a conflict conversation with all of your fires blazing. If you aren’t cool enough to have the conflict conversation in the moment (if you are physiologically and emotionally flooded), then pause, step away, and table the conversation until you both can approach it with kindness toward one another. Focus your emphasis on listening to each other, trying to understand where they are coming from, making sure you are being understood, and then joint problem solving. Usually we can’t move forward out of conflict until we are feeling understood, so take the time to understand and be understood. Conflict is a beautiful opportunity for connection if we can slow it down and do it with kindness and love.

Practical application: Do some research on yourself and figure out how you can self-soothe during conflict. Ask your partner how they can too. Figure out how to check in with yourself and each other to see if you both are ready for a kind conversation.

These are some ideas on how to improve and strengthen your relationship. It is not meant to take the place of mental health counseling. Please seek out a therapist if you are looking for professional support.

He Said... She Said... WHAT? 3 Components to Effective Communication

Almost every couple who comes to me for couples therapy says to me that they would like to improve their communication. And, while I don't believe that effective communication is the only key to a blissful relationship, it is a component that, when strengthened, other imperative parts of relationships grow, like friendship, managing conflict, intimacy, and sharing life dreams. So, what does "improve communication" really mean?

I think "improving communication" really involves three components: (1) honest and clear speaking, (2) validating listening, and (3) managing conflict effectively.

When we are looking at communication between just two people, there is often a speaker and a listener ... sometimes two speakers and no listeners! (That's what we want to avoid!) Ideally each person will take turns in each role, one at a time. The speaker has an important job of saying what they mean in an honest, clear, and kind way. This is where we might see some "I statements" or even the full "I feel ___ when ___ because ___" statement. When you're the speaker it's important to remember not to attack the person you are speaking to, because that will only lead to defensiveness and maybe some explosions or avoidance. We want to keep it kind, honest, and productive.

The second person is in the listener role. This is really about hearing what the other person is saying and really focusing on what their message is. In effective communication the listener is not thinking about their next point they are going to argue, they aren't debating and rebutting their partner, and they aren't getting defensive or attacking. The listener may not agree with the speaker, but while listening, that doesn't matter at this point. When the listener validates the speaker, this means that they express to the other person: "I see where you are coming from. I understand why this is important to you. What you are saying is important." In effective communication, the listener not only validates the other person's point of view, but also validates them as a person. 

The final part of effective communication is managing conflict effectively, which will inevitably come up at times. I will write more posts in the future on some specific conflict management skills, but what is important here is to know that when conflict comes up in communication, it needs to be managed in a healthy way, or the communication will turn toxic quickly. Maybe it's a simple misunderstanding that leads to conflict, or maybe it's a major difference in deep values that leads to conflict. Wherever conflict falls on that spectrum, couples who find ways to manage it effectively, will have improved communication and won't shy away from communicating about important topics that may reveal some conflict.

Try it Out! Practice having a conversation with your partner or someone significant in your life where you really focus on your role as a listener and practice making validating statements to that person. Examples of such include: "I can see why that is so important to you because..." or "It sounds like you've been feeling ___ when ___" or "I hear you saying ___." 

Inspire with Confidence

My favorite definition of “encouragement” is: to inspire with confidence. Wow! What a concept. When we encourage others, we are saying to them: “I believe in you!” and then hope to spread that belief to them, so they feel confident in themselves as well.

In our relationships with our children encouragement can play a key role in growth as a person, as well as learning and mastering new skills. Think for a moment if you’ve ever potty trained a child. (And if you haven’t, just imagine!) We don’t give big boy or big girl underwear to a toddler and say, “There’s the potty! Go potty now in the potty and not in your pants.” That just wouldn’t work! Often we use a system of stickers or cheerios or prizes and lots of cheering, potty dances, and calls to friends or relatives to tell them about the huge accomplishment.

That is a beautiful example of how encouragement is used to teach mastery of a new skill. (And, of course, once the skill is mastered, we don’t need to give our encouragement to that task anymore. It would be pretty silly to wait outside of the bathroom when your 17 year old goes in and then throw confetti and do a potty dance when he walks out of the bathroom.)

Okay, so we get that we give praise and maybe even small rewards to kids for learning big behaviors, like going on the potty. But what’s the importance of this concept on a daily basis? Our brains are generally wired to remember negative stuff more frequently and at a greater intensity. Let’s say your boss tells you ten positive things you’re doing and one thing for you to improve upon. What are you probably going to focus on? If you’re like most people, it’s that one perceived negative comment. So how do we balance this for our kids?

Research shows that for every one negative comment, or correction, most people need five positives to balance it out. 5:1! Certainly as parents, there are times that we need to correct a negative behavior. And that means that we need to be looking for opportunities to praise and point out even more positive behaviors as well. Because when we encourage our children, we inspire confidence in them that they can continue to make positive choices, do the right thing, and continue to have mastery of the skill you are praising them for.

There are a few things we can do to make our encouragement of our children most effective. First, be specific with your encouragement. “Good job” (not specific) can be strengthened by saying “I like how you shared that toy with your brother!” (specific encouragement for specific behavior).

Secondly, encouraging our children to put effort into a task and to try again a different way if they are struggling is a way to communicate to them that you believe in them and that you believe that they can be a problem solver. We can give support and guidance as needed, but we also encourage them to try themselves so they feel empowered.

Finally, we want to be aware of negating our encouragement with criticism. For example, consider this: “Thanks for cleaning your room. I wish you would do that every time I ask you to.” Sure, we’ve got some encouragement in there – a thank you for cleaning the room. However, the second part is a jab that takes away from the first positive. As tempting as it might be, that second part zaps out the encouragement.

Consider this: What ways are you encouraging your children? Is it balanced with at least a 5:1 ratio? Think of some way that you can daily “inspire confidence” in your children. 

Small Things Often

More than ever, couples seem to be feeling the strain and stress of everyday life – jobs, bills, kids, pets, vacations, family time around the holidays. Making time every day to nurture our relationship with our partner can be a buffer against these stressful times and make a lasting impact for our relationship. How exactly does that work?

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are researchers who have been studying couples for over 40 years now. The work they have done is quite astounding – they can predict divorce with a 91% accuracy rate! And they do this by simply observing couples and identifying if couples are engaging in healthy ways or unhealthy ways, or, as they put it, are they functioning like the “masters of relationships” or the “disasters of relationships?” One of the things they have observed through their research with couples who have healthy, happy, long-lasting relationships is that they do small things often.

Smallthings often. What does this look like? Successful couples are turning toward one another and filling the “emotional bank account” with positive deposits. Here’s how it works: each interaction we have with our partner can yield three results: (1) we can TURN TOWARD one another and give one another kindness, love, and positive attention, (2) we can TURN AWAY from one another by ignoring, or (3) we can TURN AGAINST by responding to one another with harshness or contempt. Gottman calls this the “couple’s emotional bank account” in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” When we TURN TOWARD each other, we put a deposit into that account.

TURNING TOWARD is doing small things often. Here are some examples of how you can keep your emotional bank account full:

Give your partner unexpected words of affirmation, gifts, or kind gestures – write an encouraging note or text to your partner, surprise your partner with his/her favorite coffee or treat at work, or vacuum out your partner’s car

Spend intentional, quality 1:1 time together – go out on a date, or stay in for a date night at home

Create a new couple ritual – make homemade pizza together every Friday night, run a 5k together every year, or make a plan to visit every microbrewery in the state

Try a new hobby together – rent a kayak or snowshoes, try a new video game or board game together, check out that antique shop you pass everyday on the way to work, or go sky-diving

Try something new together – cook a new recipe together, visit somewhere neither of you have been, or pick a random town on the map and visit there

CHALLENGE: Do a “small thing” for your partner once per day. Be intentional and make this something extra that you don’t typically do.

Small stuff often makes a big difference. Depositing those positives in the “emotional bank account” adds up quickly over time and gives couples a soft place to fall back onto when conflict inevitably arises. Those “masters of relationships” that Gottman identified don’t have conflict-free relationships, they just have full emotional bank accounts so that they have some savings to dip into when conflict occurs.

So, today – and everyday – “small things often” is a Gottman motto that can help you with the health of your relationship and your emotional bank account.

To learn more about how to be a “master of your relationship” attend a Gottman Workshop! Check out the "workshop" tab of this website for more details!